


Crying About Wade

by killypool



Series: Wade Wilson [5]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 10:38:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18519748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killypool/pseuds/killypool
Summary: Close enough to headcanons, but closer to nonsensical ramblings about Wade Winston Willy Wonka Wilson.





	Crying About Wade

**Author's Note:**

> These headcanons - and everything in this series - are specific to my portrayal of Deadpool. Everyone's allowed their own opinions of the guy and the franchise, but I write him over on killypool.tumblr.com, so this is just for me to have everything nice and neat and organized.

this son of a bitch goes through so much trauma and so much heartbreak and he keeps smiling, he keeps going. and when he knew he had to fix himself for vanessa, the name he adopted for himself was a joke. he took a painful reality - him dying in his 30s, winning the “dead pool”, not because of recklessness (despite wade absolutely LETTING himself be reckless enough to get killed because he didn’t have much to live for) but because of cancer - something he fought not for himself but for the person who loved him. he took that painful reality and turned it into his name. he made that his identity as a joke. you can’t kill him anymore. you can’t bet against him anymore. he’s stronger than that. you might not think he’s strong when you first meet him. you might underestimate him, but he’s used to that. and if you’ve pissed him off, you’re gonna find out the hard way just how strong he is

\--

wade is a mercenary and was a sniper because that was the path he ended up on. he realized he could kill people and do the jobs no one wanted to do. there’s a brief rush of satisfaction that some human with the capability to ruin innocent lives is taken off the street, but that feeling doesn’t linger. he’s still plagued by guilt. he joined the army because as an orphan without an education, he didn’t see any other options. after his dishonorable discharge, he became a merc because there were no other options. killing comes too easily in battles now, but wade would be best suited doing something off the battlefield to keep him from killing.

\--

wade is super good at retaining information he hears. he’s an auditory and visual learner. he plays up his bad handwriting with crayon, but he legimately doesn’t have good handwriting and he doesn’t enjoy reading or writing. he’s much better hearing and seeing and touching. he has an extremely good grasp on language - especially after growing up in a bilingual english/french speaking household. he learns languages best with immersion. if he doesn’t practice it non stop it won’t catch on, but once it catches on, it sticks.

\--

he didn’t want to tell people how badly he needed contact. he tried not to demand it, tried not to let his own touches linger, tried not to stand close until people got the right idea. but the contact was soothing, reassuring, and touching his scars? it made him feel like he wasn’t broken. he’ll pause if you touch his scars. he knows how it feels to the touch - textured, rough. he’ll wait for you to react. he’ll hold his breath and wait for you to flinch away. but if you keep touching him? even if it’s just rubbing his arm or shoulder or holding him tight, he’ll melt.

\--

wade uses tooth tunes toothbrushes

wade cries watching movies but especially that sad scene in the trolls movie where they all lost their colors and the one emo punk troll serenaded the girl and if you dont think wade serenaded EVERYONE with the true colors song for like a solid month you can leave.

\--

if you see wade breaking down it’s because he really trusts you because he’s a fucking pro at looking okay when he’s not. the guy had undiagnosed mental illnesses and was recovering from multiple traumas and still passed psych evaluations for not only the military but for special forces - the green berets. the man is literally never okay but there’s no way you’re gonna see that unless he needs you to help him.

\--

when we think about how far along wade’s cancer was, he was probably suffering from fatigue, nausea, poor appetite, pain, constipation, just general yuck. probably for months, but the boy doesn’t have health insurance because he didn’t care enough about himself to get it. he just dealt with the pains his body had. then it all hit the fan and he still tried to pretend like he wasn’t in pain. now he has the regenerative factor but his cancerous cells are still there. he’s always in pain. his nerve endings transmit pain signals even after muscles have healed themselves on top of the pain he already experiences. it will never end for him. he just always has to live with it and he’s just not gonna let anyone know. but he has to distract himself. distract himself from emotional pain, distract himself from physical pain.

\--

"sometimes suffering is just suffering. it doesn't make you stronger. it doesn't build character. it only hurts" - this is wade's exact line of thinking. this is why he doesn't want to tell people his story. why should he? you're either going to pity him and act delicate around him or you'll see the man he is now and try to figure out what caused what. but maybe the shit he went through didn't cause anything. maybe he's a murderer now with a talent for making people uncomfortable and hate him because that's just who he is. why should he give someone the opportunity to go 'hey, no, it's because of your father.' stop right there because wade doesn't want to think the things his father did to him have any effect on him besides the nightmares. and being quick to see it in others. and wanting the men (and women) who hit or rape or scream at or abuse in any way shape or form to die. so wade doesn't want you to know about his backstory because it shouldn't change anything. and a part of him is just very very scared that people will look at the shit he's been through and would say he still should have done better.

\--

wade is not one bit a fan of swimming. hot tubs are fine, regular backyard pools are fine but ocean? that’s a negatory ghost rider. even wave pools at water parks are enough to pull wade into a panic. He’s strong enough to swim successfully, and regeneration means that a bit of water in the lungs is harmless. Eventually, at least. But it’s still one of his most terrifying near deaths. it’s the one time when the more you fight, the more you put yourself in danger. Wade is a fighter by habit - he never got the chance to stop fighting but when you’re drowning, fighting means water in your lungs and desperate gasps for air and a tightness in your chest that only fades when consciousness begins to slip away

\--

the reason why wade is so unpredictable and unorganized and unregimented is because wade associates chaos and unpredictability with the best times in his life. every time there was order, it wasn’t good. growing up with his father and his father's friends coming over so often to talk business = bad. running away and entering witness protection and making a new life with a new name = great!! weekly chemo treatments and doctors visits for his mother = devastating. the army and becoming a sniper and every single kill, cocking and reloading those guns, dismantling each gun and cleaning it and putting it back together until it’s second nature and it’s always going to be second nature because wade’s guns are just a part of him now = he’ll never get over it. being a mercenary, each ‘target’ someone new, a different treatment for each of them, a different way to earn his keep = good. Vanessa, unpredictable every time he talked to her. The light of his life. Always catching him off guard = FANTASTIC his mind is built for chaos, a chaos that he is accustomed to. It’s how his brain is wired and more than that, it’s how he had to adapt. Chaos is the only way wade will ever thrive, but he needs a carefully controlled chaos. a way to be unpredictable without causing harm

\--

 

wade hates his skin and scars more than he can possibly say and he hates how it makes him look and it’s made him lose all confidence in his appearance even with Vanessa accepting him and that the WORST thing for wade is when his limbs regenerate because his skin is perfect and smooth and unblemished until that final stage and he has to watch his skin scar over once more and it kills him. It absolutely kills him. Every time he’s forced to watch his skin scar over again and it hurts just as badly as the first time

 

\--

 

while wade was relatively healthy despite all of his life choices and genetic dispositions in life, his forced mutation with wolverine’s blood puts his body in a state similar to a thyroid storm. on top of total body chronic pain, wade also is often nauseous, always runs a very high temperature, has a fair amount of sweat - and tends to rinse off at least twice a day to avoid smelling bad - and has the most irregular fucking heartbeat. the shit don’t pump right. his body compensates for any sort of bleeding so quickly, but his heart isn’t capable of keeping up. often, he’ll get extra pain in his chest and feel lightheaded because heart machine broke. his healing factor means that this will never kill him, but boy is it not fun to deal with.

 

\--

 

wade goes back and forth between hello kitty sheets, tmnt sheets, fake silk sheets and jersey knit. surprisingly the cartoon ones are really only for laundry days. if he has a guest bed, he’ll keep them on the bed because they look nice. but for his own comfort he prefers jersey and fake silk. he likes silk in the summer because it feels cool on his skin even if it’s not the fanciest. the material just feels so refreshing to jump into and wade’s body runs hot always so in summer he needs whatever cool he can get. whenever the weather allows, he goes to jersey knit because that fucker feels like you’re being cuddled by the mascot for mattress king’s college aged brother. it’s soft, it’s familiar, and his stuff always smells nice. wade may be messy but his mess always smells good.

speaking of, he doesn’t use shampoo any more obviously but when he’s not using some dollar store body wash, he springs for lush lemon scented body jelly when he can. lemon is one of his favorite smells. the soap, the dish cleaner, everything in his house would smell like lemon if he could manage. he’s gotten sandalwood as a gift, and really, there’s no point in suffocating yourself in a scent you don’t like when the refreshing and delightful citrusy mist could hang in the air 24/7.

\--

some of wade's scars include:

1\. a scar near his right temple. gunshot - a graze. bled like a motherfucker. also cut across his right eyebrow - childhood.  
2\. bullet wound above his right clavicle. favorite place to get a hickey.  
3\. burn on his left shoulderblade. childhood.  
4\. criss crossed scars across his left upper arm. extremely jagged. keloid. top half resembles an x. bottom half resembles cat scratch. knife fight.  
5\. burn. just over left 6th rib.   
6\. various cuts across the back of his head and sides of his head, minor.

small, white scars littering both hands, scar over right ankle, bullet wound over right thigh. scar under jawline on right side.

after mutation, almost all of these scars can be felt or seen through the new scar tissue if searched for closely enough. tattoos were unfortunately scarred away upon mutation.

\--

after his mutation, the majority of his skin feels extremely dry, taking on a very aged and worn appearance. his fingernails are discolored, and he very much enjoys that to be covered with any sort of fingernail polish when someone will do it for him. resembling his hands before the mutation, his knuckles are permanently scarred and inflamed as a result of multiple dislocated fingers and torn ligaments.

despite pain in his hands, he maintains dexterity and is able to do tasks as delicate as sewing.

\--

wade was just beginning the paperwork to make himself a ‘do not recuscitate’ - a medical order in which he declares no life savings measures be taken. CPR, intubation, etc. he made the decision to join ‘agent smith’ and the mutant factory before it was completed. but after the events of deadpool 2? he made sure the paperwork was signed and notarized. if anything ever happens that he stops regenerating, he’s prepared.

not only did he have to deal with his own mother’s experience in the hospital undergoing treatment, he was forced to go to regular doctor’s appointments during his time in the military, which was non negotiable despite wade’s severe discomfort with doctor’s offices. after his dishonorable discharge, he absolutely never went to another doctor. any injuries sustained during his time as a mercenary were taken care of by himself in his apartment with a bottle of jack and a sewing kit if need be. especially after his time with ajax, wade does not want to go through any medical bullshit again. 

his discomfort with doctor’s offices comes from his parents never taking him to the doctor’s regularly - his father out of neglect and his mother out of insufficient funds - so his first memorable experience in a doctor’s office was with his mother getting sick. so even though he knew he was in pain and that a general  _something_  was wrong with his body, he didn’t care enough to look into it. and if vanessa wasn’t with him, he still wouldn’t have gone to a doctor. vanessa’s the reason he tried  _any_  treatment whatsoever. and he agreed to be poked and prodded and made a middle school science project just for her.

\--

it’s hard to get drunk when all of your cells are constantly regenerating. wade’s regenerative abilities are impacted by his mood, among other things, so it is possible for him to get drunk when he’s in a very depressed state - tired, malnourished, exhausted, etc. but the easiest way for him to get drunk is if he’s already trying to heal. if he’s missing a limb, his body is too focused on regrowing nerves and muscles and bone that it’s unable to metabolize alcohol at the speed he’s used to.

\--

every time wade takes enough damage to die, if only for a minute, he gets a glimpse of the other side. meaning he gets a glimpse of vanessa. even if he wanted to keep living, he’d still let himself die just to see her for another second. while he was at the mansion with colossus, he played the good boy role and tried to be deserving of colossus, but every time he was alone in his bedroom, he did whatever he could to see her - always careful to be quiet or clean up after.

\--

wade actually really doesn’t smile much. It’s partially resting bitch face, but just in general, it doesn’t feel very natural to smile. He’ll use his eyebrows a lot, almost like raising them is his form of a smile. He does smile when he laughs though, and he smiles when he kisses people he cares about. But he smiles the most when he’s sick and he’s dying because those are the moments he appreciates the people and things around him most - him smiling with Weasel at the bar and him smiling up at Russell. But when Wade wears a mutant collar or when Wade’s powers fade and he loses healing, you can tell how close to death he is by how much he smiles around you.

\--

wade had a high school job at the mall when he was 16 wearing a stupid cow mascot at an off brand chick fil a place called chic filay. he wore it for like 10 hours a day Saturday and Sunday and entertained himself by chasing small children then giving them high fives and hugs, getting in dance battles with radio shack employees, and walking around the mall trying to do normal things like ask for a makeover or sit in the massage chair - all while in costume. unfortunately, this was before mobile phones, but it was a joy to be seen.

\--

The reason wade is so dangerous is because he hates himself. He fucking hates himself. He hates who he is, he hates what he’s done, he thinks he deserves to be punished. He thinks he deserves to die. But when he gets a gold card with information about a rapist or a drug dealer or a piece of shit criminal ruining other people’s lives? He’s allowed for a moment to redirect all of his self loathing onto another person and it gets brutal. There’s a fall out after where he’ll feel guilty for the person he is, feel guilty that he’s able to kill so easily. And he wants to be able to blame it on the same government that discharged him just for trying to stand up for someone else. But he knows that’s a fucking cop out. Every time he thinks about blaming his own fucked up problems on the military or on his abusive father or on his mother, he hates himself more and more for not being able to accept the fact that he’s just a fucked up man ready and desperate to kill more fucked up people in an attempt to take away the pain and that’s why he’s dangerous.

\--

In order of “oh god please no,” Wade has ranked the ways of getting injured from absolute worst and horrifying to unpleasant but sufferable.

1\. Burning alive

2\. Being crushed

3\. Drowning

4\. Being frozen

5\. Explosion

6\. Being stretched/ripped/pulled

For all of these things, he needs mental and emotional recovery time to process the trauma. Gunshots and stabbings are commonplace enough for them to hardly register as an injury anymore. Recovering from being burnt alive is the absolute worst, and is the time he’s least trusting of anyone around him. While he recovers, he needs to be as alone and as comfortable as possible otherwise he breaks down and goes catatonic. It’s extremely distressing.

Crushing is one of the most painful in terms of repairing because old and destroyed tissues must completely be destroyed before they’re able to stitch back together again.

Drowning and being frozen are just terrifying in general to Wade and cause him to go into shock after.

Explosions have him on edge for a few days after.

Being torn is just extremely painful.

\--

if you’re dating wade post mutation, at some point he’s gonna realize he can get whatever piercing he wants and take it out and heal PERFECTLY when it’s out and this piece of shit has already had one (1) nipple piercing and one (1) piercing “on the gay side, okay?” In his time after the military and you will come home to wade suddenly having a piercing below the belt and it’s not coming out until he’s bored of it

How could I possibly have forgotten to mention that since infection isn’t a risk at all because otherwise this isn’t the safe thing to do— his partners have complete and total freedom to pierce him at home if they want to. If you go up to wade with a piercing kit and tell him you bought it because you wanted to see him with a nose stud he will get frantically excited and demand it immediately.

\--

some dickhole sports teacher on a movie: i know i put a lot of pressure on you but it’s because i know you can handle it

teenager/adolescent, an absolute wreck, constantly stressed, petrifying fear of disappointing their parents and coach: i’ll be better

wade, screaming and throwing a katana at the tv: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT A KID CAN HANDLE ALL THE SHIT YOU’RE THROWING AT THEM. YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEIR HOME LIFE. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS YOUR OWN FUCKING PRIDE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE A BULLSHIT HUMAN BEING THAT IS A  **CHILD**

\--

wade hasn’t celebrated a traditional thanksgiving except for with Vanessa (or in other verses, not at all.) he didn’t come to the United States until he was 12. His mom wasn’t prepared to celebrate thanksgiving the first two years and she was too sick and too poor to be able to properly celebrate it after. He left dinner at the group home when he was 17 and thanksgiving celebrations during his time in the military were either untraditional or spent alone.

He has no family to celebrate thanksgiving with and isn’t about to spend an entire day being thankful. In his mind, the only thing he could be thankful for is his life, and he doesn’t consider that a gift.

\--

**Wade enjoys setting a table and particularly folding the napkins artistically? Accept or reject?**

wade is actually pretty neat and organized when he wants to be - mostly because you can’t make your way through 14 years in the military without learning how to pick up after yourself. you just can’t get away with being a slob. and that carries over long after his time in the military. 

add that with a decent amount of dexterity and a creative streak makes for one very decorated table at thanksgiving (even if it’s not  _well_  decorated.) 

especially during his time in the mansion during dp2, he was on a better homes and gardens streak fueled even more by pinterest diys. the chalkboard charcuterie tray was a surprising hit.

\--

  * **an  they  use  chopsticks**      /     time abroad in the military made sure of that, though wade was moderately decent at using chopsticks with the sheer amount of cheap chinese takeout his mom would buy him during her cancer treatments. after his dishonorable discharge, wade spent a couple of years in japan, and his chopstick skills progressed from passable to pretty damn good. a near constant craving for fried rice has ensured his chopstick skills never get truly rusty.  
****
  * **what  do  they  do  when  they  can’t  sleep** /      if wade’s actively trying to get to sleep, he’ll do something physically exhausting and repetitive to try to lull him to sleep. this is usually the time he’ll disassemble all of his guns and clean them thoroughly and reassemble them. going through that fun little routine for his top ten favorite guns is usually enough to let him finally sleep. if he decides it’s useless to try to get rest, it’s time to head to sister margaret’s and get his hands on another card. there’s sloppier work when he’s tired, but wade’s never too concerned with his own self preservation.
  * **what  would  they  impulse  buy  at  the  grocery  store** _/_ savory snacks are more wade’s style of snacks. pop tarts are all good and holy, but too much time is spent in the potato chip aisle or looking at jerky. he’s not above hoarding halloween candy on november 1st ( or any holiday candy the day after honestly ). but food isn’t his only achilles heel when impulse buying. though wade never really  _splurges_  on anything besides weapons, he’ll try out dozens of body washes and get dozens of clearance clothes. he can be bad about getting too many things, but he’s usually not attached to anything enough to  _not_  throw it out within a couple of months or donate it.
  * **what  order  do  they  wash  things  in  the  shower** /     a solid five minutes  **must**  be spent standing under the insanely hot water until his shoulders and back untense enough. hair is done during this time or at the end of the shower as an afterthought. chest, arms, shoulder, groin is next with breaks in between for leaning in the hot spray over and over. thoroughness of the shower depends entirely on how long the hot water lasts. he showers pretty thoroughly every night and then hops in the shower just to rinse off in the mornings, usually not washing his hair.
  * **what’s  their  coffee  order** /     he’ll drink it black if he doesn’t want to deal with adding sugar and cream in public and just wants to get moving. starbucks frappes are a huge weak spot for him, and he prefers white chocolate or caramel. he has a stovetop espresso pot, and a huge treat for him is espresso + sweetened condensed milk.  

  * **what  sort  of  apps  would  they  have  on  their  smartphone     /** all apps are fair game. candy crush, robot unicorn attack 2, toon blast, flappy bird, and ifunny tend to be in his most used folder. he likes the distractions, likes being able to pull out his phone and see something colorful and bright and  _okay_  and get to enjoy it for a moment. he’ll try any number of any apps, but tends to delete things pretty quick once he gets tired of it.  

  * **how  do  they  act  around  children** /      wade  **adores**  kids. he gets nervous at first, not completely sure how best to act around them because he really doesn’t have experience with kids, but if he’s able to connect with them on some level - even if it’s just throwing a ball around or him pretending to be a zombie and chasing them - everything is fine. if he needs to give advice to a child for any reason or comfort a child, it’s extremely difficult. but wade would always be happy to look over and protect a kid if someone needed help.
  * **what  would  they  watch  on  tv  when  they’re  bored  and  nothing  they  really  like  is  on** /     cartoons. game shows. soap operas. sports. reality shows. anything and everything is fair game to wade. he could keep himself amused watching infomercials if needed, though he’s not likely to watch tv much unless he’s with someone else - in which case, be prepared for endless commentary.  




 

\--

It cannot be stressed enough how much wade would listen to anything. And I mean anything. Anything can be a jam. Songs from spongebob? Yep. Hannah Montana? Yep. Queen? Yep. Five Finger Death Punch? Yep. Evanescence? Yep. Dubstep? Duh. Reba McEntire? You know it. Sexion D’Assaut? Of course. Bollywood Soundtracks? A staple. Classical music? Good for trying to fall asleep. Justin Bieber? It’s been shuffled in.

His playlists and mix tapes are like a minefield

\--

Wade was raised learning English and French and is equally fluent  _speaking_  either language. He can’t spell worth shit, but he can understand most things he reads in French. Wade can passibly communicate simple things in Spanish and Japanese. Spanish because he took it for years in high school and Japanese from the amount of time he spent in Japan. He’s an auditory learner, and he remembers most things he hears. He can understand a lot of key phrases in other languages - mostly Russian and German - but he can’t repeat what he hears as well. In school, foreign languages and history were his favorite subjects.

In the au I have but don’t use where he’s a teacher or a college student he teaches or majors in foreign languages - mostly French.

\--

 


End file.
